RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 13 Premiere: Which Queen Deserves the Pork Chop?
RuPaul’s Drag Race followed all sorts of new safety protocols with its premiere in season 13: The judges not only stayed a meter apart, but Mama Ru socially distanced herself from more than half of the cast. Or did she?
As mentioned earlier, the premiere on Friday began with six lip-sync fights, in which all 13 participants had to fight for a place in the competition just moments after entering the workshop. But before we move on to the second landmark twist of the night, let’s see how everyone on the main stage fared:
KANDY MUSE versus JOEY JAY | That first match didn’t surprise anyone – at least anyone who saw the VH1 video released earlier this week. Born in New York, Kandy Muse was the first to enter the workroom, dressed in head-to-toe jeans (with a matching denim boom box, of course). She was followed by the Queen of Arizona, Joey Jay, the self-described “stupid slut you will ever meet”. After exchanging awkward courtesies, the first two contestants of Season 13 headed to the main stage for the first of six groundbreaking lip-syncing battles. Both queens turned out, but only Kandy was brought to safety while Joey was sent … well, I’ll get back to that in a moment.
DENALI vs. LALA RI | “Icy, spicy and a bit diced”, Denali literally ran into the workroom (those poor floors!) And immediately proclaimed himself a “Drag’s gold medal slut”. And the Queen of Windy City wasn’t the least bit impressed with her competition, Atlanta’s LaLa Ri, who judges described herself as “an olive garden pasta with Popeye’s chicken tenders on the side to dazzle”. For the record: Anyone who looks at chicken tenders and thinks that “dazzles” is immediately fine with my book. I was thrilled – if not a little surprised – to see her slap Denali in lip-syncing with the Pussycat Dolls. When I grow up. “(Side note: I rolled my eyes a little when Ross Mathews saw Denali and said,” Just when I thought we couldn’t get a gayer, we have figure skating now. “The blatant milk extinguishing!)
SYMONE vs. TAMISHA IMAN | Round three pit “ebony sorceress” Symone versus the “cheeky and lovable” Tamisha Iman, who was cast in season 12 just before the diagnosis of stage 3 colon cancer. There was a time in her recovery when she couldn’t even walk, but she’s a fighter, something she reminded the world of by standing up against Symone based on Janet Jackson’s The Pleasure Principle. Sure, Symone is ahead (“This isn’t her Janet Jackson moment – it’s mine!”), But Tamisha has done well. The extreme Jasmine Masters vibe she exuded with this suit was just a bonus.
GOTTMIK vs. UTICA QUEEN | All eyes are on Gottmik this season, and not just because the famous makeup artist has hit such famous cups as Cindy Crawford, Heidi Klum and Paris Hilton. “I’m a transgender man,” said Gottmik when entering the workroom. “So … born a girl, turned into a man, dressed like a girl for money – just that.” When Lindsay Lohan’s “rumors” started to explode on the main stage (YES by the way!), Gottmik quickly worked with Utica Queen, who described herself as exactly a booger-eating supermodel and one of those crazy * deep breaths * dubbed inflatable arm thugs you see at car dealerships.
ROSE vs. OLIVIA LUX | We all agree that Rosé, who sings alongside the standout Season 12 Jan in the girl group Stephanie’s Child, kissed herself death by saying smugly, “I usually win.” (It was also an ironic statement when considering that she boasted about being on The Voice and America’s Got Talent … neither of which she won.) Though Rosé was born at the intersection of Wit Avenue and Fashion Boulevard, she was defeated by the relative newcomer Olivia Lux, who really felt her oats during Elle King’s “Ex’s and Oh’s”. The energy! The Ru veal! It was all very good. Not for rosé.
TINA BURNER against KAHMORA HALL against ELLIOTT WITH 2 TS | Since this ridiculous premiere was basically porn for drag race fans, it only made sense to end it with a three-way game. The “old” New York Queen Tina Burner, the wonderfully shady Kahmora Hall – yes, the 12th season winner, Jaida Essence Hall, is her big sister! – and Elliott With 2 Ts (better known as “a housewife with a secret”) did it with “Lady Marmalade”, by far the best song selection on an evening full of wonderful song selection. (Can you imagine how wild people would go to the bars for this? Actually, I don’t even want to think about it. It’s way too depressing.) Elliott turned out, and Kahmora looked great in this Bob Mackie original. but Tina absolutely swallowed her with her stage presence and sent her through to continue her journey into season 13.
While the members of Team Talent were busy patting each other on the back, the queens who had lost their lip-sync – everyone sat under a wall of pork chops, from Dahlia Sin and Miss Vanjie to the OG itself – were treated second big gag of the evening. “All is not lost,” announced Ru. “You all have a chance to return to the competition. But first you have to give one of your fellow queens to the cops. Let the voting begin! “
That’s right, Ru leaves it up to the seven possible pork chops to choose a single sacrificial lamb. And now that the question has been asked, it is time for you to weigh up with your thoughts. Then vote for the queen you’d like to send to packing in our poll below Leave a comment with your thoughts on the season 13 premiere.